Look for the Hook in You
Nearly twenty years ago, at the funeral of my best friend’s husband, Curtis, I witnessed a lesson that has stayed with me ever since. Curtis had spent decades healing from his own family wounds and eventually became a gifted therapist who helped hundreds of families navigate conflict and rebuild connection. Many of them filled the sanctuary that day—grieving not only the man, but the guide they feared they could not go on without.
The pastor stepped forward, slipped off his suit jacket, and with a sudden, fluid motion, flung it across the dais. It landed perfectly on the hook of a coat rack. The room went still.
“When someone triggers anger, frustration, envy, impatience—any sharp emotion,” he said, “don’t look at them. Look for the hook in you.”
He wasn’t saying that other people’s behavior doesn’t matter. He wasn’t excusing disrespect, injustice, or harm. His point was something quieter and more empowering: your emotional reaction contains information about you—your values, your wounds, your needs—not just about the other person. And if you can understand that hook, you can choose your response instead of being swept away by it.
What’s Actually Happening When You’re Triggered
A trigger is simply an event your brain interprets as a threat—not physical danger, but emotional danger. Someone challenges your idea. Interrupts you. Question your motives. Puts you on the spot. Before you can think, your fight‑or‑flight response kicks in. Emotion floods the system. Judgment follows. And suddenly you’re reacting, not responding.
This doesn’t mean the other person is right. It means your reaction is giving you a clue about something inside you that needs attention.
Understand Your Emotional Patterns
Your brain constantly scans for threats to your identity, competence, or belonging. When it senses one, emotion overrides logic. That’s why you can’t “think your way out” of a trigger in the moment—you need a plan before the moment arrives. Ask yourself: What reliably sets me off? Is it unfairness? Disrespect? Being dismissed? Feeling unprepared? Knowing your patterns doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior. It means you’re no longer blindsided by your own internal response.
Give Your Emotions Space Instead of Suppressing Them
Pushing emotions down only intensifies them. A more effective approach is to become an observer of your own internal weather.
Let the emotion surface.
Name it without judgment.
Take slow, grounding breaths.
Allow your rational mind to re-engage.
Tools like thought records can help you move from an automatic, reactive state to a grounded, intentional one. Practicing this ahead of time builds emotional muscle memory.
Reframe Your Interactions Without Excusing Harm
Once you know your triggers—and the people or situations that tend to activate them—you can redesign the interaction.
If a colleague consistently triggers your impatience, set the tone early: “I have ten minutes and need to stay focused on X.”
If someone tends to dominate conversations, create structure: “Let’s each share our top two points, then decide next steps.”
This isn’t about absorbing mistreatment. It’s about managing the conditions so your hook doesn’t get snagged—and so you can respond from clarity rather than reactivity. The pastor’s message wasn’t about blame. It was about agency. The work is creating awareness and deciding what to do next.
Which trigger in your own life feels most important to understand more deeply right now?